The Everything Parent's Guide to the Strong-Willed Child by Carl E. Pickhardt

Author:Carl E. Pickhardt
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
Publisher: Adams Media
Published: 2011-06-23T00:00:00+00:00

When parent and willful child declare, after a conflict, that they understand each other better than they did before, then conflict has fulfilled its function. A deeper intimacy has been established. “I can see why you got so upset at my fooling around with alcohol,” the child says. “I never knew before about all the problems it caused in your family growing up.”

Conflict Is Formative

Conflict is not something you have with your willful child. It is something you do with your willful child. Conflict is a performance act. Every time you do conflict with your child, by experience, example, and instruction, you teach your child how to conduct conflict. So, when you model sticking to specifics, staying on the subject, avoiding extreme statements, keeping in the present, speaking for yourself, taking responsibility for your position, hearing the other person out, and being empathetic and nonjudgmental, you give your child productive behaviors to follow. In addition, when he interrupts or calls names (“You're being really stupid!”), you instructionally intervene. “I'm willing to continue discussing our disagreement, but I don't interrupt you or call you demeaning names, and I don't want you doing that to me.”

Another formative part of conflict has to do with the equation that now equals later. How your child learns to do conflict with you now is how he or she will conduct conflict with other people later on. When you engage in conflict with your child, you are training him in how conflict can be productively and safely conducted. Thus, you explain to your willful child, who, frustrated by your opposition, has just behaved in a physically threatening manner, how this behavior can not only hurt you now, but also can hurt him later on.

“When I tell you that acting like you are going to hit me is unacceptable because it is unsafe, I am telling you this not just for my own good, but for yours. If I let you get away with this behavior now, there is the possibility that further down the road of life, when in conflict, you will repeat this behavior with someone you really care about. And that person, finding you unsafe to disagree with, may choose to end the relationship, and you will end up hurting yourself, perhaps losing a friend or someone you love.”

If you commit verbal, emotional, or physical injury in family conflict, the trustful nature of that relationship can be seriously damaged or lost. This is why the first rule in family conflict is safety. “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me” is simply not true. In family conflict, words do most of the damage. Like other animals, people fight with their mouths. So watch what you say. “I'm sorry” cannot undo the damage done. The only acceptable amends is never committing such injury again.

Alert!

When it comes to safety violations in family conflict, any injury that occurs should be by accident, not intentional. When one family member violates the rule of

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